I almost forgot how good it feels to fully belong to someone
I almost forgot that I am worth to be someone else’s priority instead of their option
I almost forgot how liberating it is to call someone else’s ‘mine’ without having to think twice
I almost forgot how heart-warming it is to hear someone say, “of course I’ll show you off. You’re not my dirty little secret.”
And that someone is you.
Thank you for coming into my life.
Please stay.
Whenever we feel like giving up, I want us to stop for awhile and remember this moment. The beginning of our journey.
Everything’s so great. We feel great.
We are always excited about each other’s presence, we are always longing to be in each other’s arms, we are always counting sleeps to our next meet up.
Being in a long distance relationship sucks. We’d jump on Skype or Facetime whenever we can, although sometimes we can’t even talk because we’re both busy with our daily routines.
But that doesn’t stop us.
Being able to glance on the screen and see each other’s face seems enough. Being able to wake up and see our internet connection doesn’t die on us the whole night is a joy.
We are always trying to make each other feel special, in our own way. Be it a cute reminder that pop up on our screen, a spontaneous foot massage, a loving back stroke, or a kiss in the hallway of a hardware store.
When we’re faced with tough times later on, when the rainbows start to fade, and the butterflies stop dancing, I want us to stop for awhile and come back here. To this beginning.
I want us to remember the moment when we knew our heart just click. That we actually want a future together. That we fall in love with each other.
I want us to appreciate all the effort and the hard work in making it happen.
I want us to remember that we are both terrified to get our heart broken again, but decided to take that leap of faith. Because we know it’s worth it.
We are worth it.
And most of all, I want us to remember that we’ve been looking for each other all this while, and we’ve finally made it.
Yes, we’ve made it… We’ve finally found each other.
Well done, us.
After counting down our sleeps from seven days to zero, I rushed from my office to the airport where I waited impatiently to get on board. By the time I landed, it was quite late. I was tired, but so excited to see you. The queue at the immigration was unbelievable. Not happy about it at all. But whatever, I wouldn’t let this bothers me. I pulled out my phone from my bag, and got a No Service notification replacing my network bar. Great. Okay, wouldn’t let this bothers me as well. Focus on happy thoughts.
Decades later, I cleared the immigration and pressed the most unhappy looking Mr. Smiley on the small display they provided to rate their service. Yes, I wasn’t happy and I wanted to make sure I express myself.
By the time I got to the taxi stand, I freeze. The queue was even longer than the one at the immigration. Where are these people came from?! Gosh, my phone was still not working, the battery bar was turning red, it was past midnight already, and I started to feel really tired. Think happy thoughts, think happy thoughts.
After what seemed like eternity, I finally got into the cab. Luckily my phone was still working so I could tell the cab driver your address.
When I got off from the cab, I felt a sense of warmth. Finally, I was just minutes away to get to see you again. As I walked around to find my way to your place, I could almost picture you flashing your perfect smile when you open the door. And I’d make my first step into your house, which I could only see through screen this whole time. There will be nice music playing on the background, and probably my favorite wine is in the refrigerator, ready to be served. And we would kiss and hug as we say how much we missed each other.
After wandering for quite awhile, I found the right elevator. As soon as I got to your floor, I spotted your unit number. It was quite easy. I dragged my suitcase and knocked on the door softly with a smile on my face. This is it. I’m finally standing at your doorstep. Butterfly was dancing in my stomach.
Within a split second I recognized your voice screaming. I moved my head closer to the door, and heard you spelled something. Hey wait, that’s my middle name! In high pitch. Okay something is totally wrong. So I knocked again, but you still went on and on with my name. And at that point, I was practically banging on your door, hoping you could hear it in between your five octaves voice and my attempt to get your attention.
Finally the door was open. And there you were, standing with a mouth open, looking as panic as a human being could possibly look, with a phone on your ear. You then mumbled something to the phone and hung up on whoever it was. One second later, “HOLY FUCK?! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?! I SO WANNA KILL YOU RIGHT NOW!!!” You were screeching.
I stood there, baffled.
Errr. Okay, the reception wasn’t quite what I expected. Not to mention you haven’t even opened the grill door yet.
As soon as you snapped back from your trance, you opened the grill door in a rush, and hug me really tight. You were sweating, shaking, and your heart were beating so fast I could even feel it.
“What was that about? Who was that?” I asked as soon as we finished hugging.
“I was calling the hospital.”
“WHAT?!”
“Yes, and before that, I called the airport, and also the immigration. I was worried… It’s been three hours since you landed, I couldn’t reach you, I was losing it!”
And you hugged me again. Tighter this time. It made my heart melt.
Well, I wasn’t thrilled about the part where you wanted to kill me, but honestly, it was the sweetest thing a person could ever done to me. No one has ever made so much effort in calling the airport, the immigration, and the hospital just to track me down.
At that moment, I knew I’d be safe with you.
And just so you know, I love that feeling.
You were appear insignificant at first. We talked on and off, sometimes it was just a hi and bye. Nothing special about it.
One day you had a short business trip here, and we agreed to meet up for dinner. I wasn’t expecting anything, neither were you. It was just a casual dinner between two people trying to pass the time. Nothing more, nothing less.
You looked a bit shorter than I thought, and you thought I was supposed to be shorter than you – which I’m not.
Five minutes later, we were quoting Rumi. You were surprised, I was too.
“You like Rumi?”
“Are you kidding me? I love him!”
“Wow! I’m feeling lucky”
And we talked some more. You had a terrible flu, and your voice was almost non-existent. But I managed to understand what you were saying in your cookie monster-y voice. We were completely immersed in the conversation, interrupted by spontanious laugh in between. You are one of the most funniest people I have ever met. I ticked the funny box for you.
And I started to notice you had a contagious smile. There is something about the way your lips curve when you smile. It made me want to smile too.
Few hours later, the waiter told us the restaurant is closed now. And we looked around, and sure enough, we were the only people left. How did it happen? Where did the time goes? Did it play a trick on us?
We then rode a taxi back. You drop me off to my place first, kissed my cheeck, and wave from inside the taxi. I mumbled something about you having a safe flight tomorrow, and wave back.
It was a significant night.
No matter who you end up telling a good or bad news to, the first person that came to your mind is the person who mean so much to you. Although you might not able to share it with that particular person for some smart reason or silly ones, that person, that particular person still hold a special space at the corner of your heart.
Today has been a really sad day for a lot of people, me included. When I learnt about Robin Williams’ death on the radio on my way to the office, I was stunned. Moreover when the announcer said it was a suspected suicide – and later she added; he was struggling with depression over the years.
I got very emotional and heartbroken about this. Not only because Robin Williams is one of my favorite actors, but the cause of death is very upsetting.
I know too well about depression and what it can do to people. I had been struggling with depression for a few years. Although I am now on prescribed meds and still go regularly to my psychiatrist, it is still not easy.
Some days, I would find myself on the bathroom floors, crying for hours for no apparent reason.
Some days, I would feel normal.
Some days, I couldn’t even bring myself out of bed.
Just last year, I tried to commit suicide. Some say suicide is the most selfish act that one could do. But for those people who have never experienced depression will not understand that for us, it is almost impossible to control our mind when that demon strike us. We just want to end the suffering. We just want the voice inside our heads to stop talking. To stop mocking. To stop telling nasty thing about us. Having a depression is like being in a roller coaster ride that doesn’t stop.
While currently I could function properly — most days, my life still depends on those little pills. I don’t know for how long, but I will try not to think of it and keep going.
For those who are still fighting the same battle as I am, keep fighting. Don’t give up. Conquer the demon and get your life back.
And the most important thing is, you are not alone.
Rest in peace, Robin.
We were laying in bed one evening, holding hands as our eyes gazing at the beautiful city lights from the window. Miles Davis was playing in the background.
“You know what, I don’t want you to need anyone else. I want you to need me.”
“Well, I don’t need anyone else anyway.”
“But you know that I can’t promise you anything, I mean… I don’t know if I can love you. Are you okay with that?”
“Yeah, I think so.”
“You’re kinda crazy.”
“No. I’m kinda stupid, and you’re kinda selfish. But I love you.”
“Right. Just please don’t need anyone else but me, okay?”
“Shut up and kiss me.”
So I guess this it. This is the moment where we split ways, in silence.
We probably knows that if we start talking again, we will go back to square one, and with each passing day we only fall deeper and deeper.
So instead, no matter how much it hurts, we wipe our tears away, held our head up high, and continue our journey in life.
There might not be another hug, another caress, another kiss
There might not be another late night chat, another dinner, another picture taken.
And the seafood we want to try, the holiday we plan to have.. There might not be any of those too.
And eventually your bluetooth will forget my number, and this time you won’t need to re-program it anymore because there might not be another phone call to make as you driving home from our get together.
In less than twenty four hours, I will leave the country. I wish I could take my heart with me. But I know it won’t happen this time. My heart and mind will stay here.
With you.
With our memories.
And I love you, still.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I wear your ring, you wear mine. You nag at me for being so messy, and I sulk while trying to organize the chaos I produced. Yes, we still fight – or having arguments, as you always put it, but not the kinds we are having now. We still have insecurities, but these too will be different ones.
We’d cuddle in the sofa numerous nights as you watch your series about the pilot wives thingy while sipping your tea that I made for you. Two table spoon of sugar, dip the tea bag for five minutes, and stir longer than mine.
Around 10 or 11 we’d go brush our teeth and head to bed. We’d kiss good night, and you will read your books while I play my online games before we doze off.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, our life is different. We love each other fearlessly, we are each other’s priority, and I get to see you in your glasses.
There is one thing that stays the same, though.
We still cannot resist each other.
So we met again, 7 days after. Without alcohol, without the nervousness of a first meet up, without the hassle of advance preparation. We were just two souls wanting to see each other again.
Yet, 7 days after, you still smell so nice, still look effortlessly gorgeous, and whenever our eyes locked during the conversation, I swear my heart skipped – not only one, but two beats.
And gosh… The impulse to touch and kiss you were ridiculously unbearable.
I. Crave. You.
Even more now.
More than 7 days before.
Thousand of Days for You 