I Almost Forgot

I almost forgot how good it feels to fully belong to someone
I almost forgot that I am worth to be someone else’s priority instead of their option
I almost forgot how liberating it is to call someone else’s ‘mine’ without having to think twice
I almost forgot how heart-warming it is to hear someone say, “of course I’ll show you off. You’re not my dirty little secret.” 

And that someone is you.

Thank you for coming into my life.
Please stay.

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The Day You Screamed My Middle Name

After counting down our sleeps from seven days to zero, I rushed from my office to the airport where I waited impatiently to get on board. By the time I landed, it was quite late. I was tired, but so excited to see you. The queue at the immigration was unbelievable. Not happy about it at all. But whatever, I wouldn’t let this bothers me. I pulled out my phone from my bag, and got a No Service notification replacing my network bar. Great. Okay, wouldn’t let this bothers me as well. Focus on happy thoughts.

Decades later, I cleared the immigration and pressed the most unhappy looking Mr. Smiley on the small display they provided to rate their service. Yes, I wasn’t happy and I wanted to make sure I express myself.

By the time I got to the taxi stand, I freeze. The queue was even longer than the one at the immigration. Where are these people came from?! Gosh, my phone was still not working, the battery bar was turning red, it was past midnight already, and I started to feel really tired. Think happy thoughts, think happy thoughts.

After what seemed like eternity, I finally got into the cab. Luckily my phone was still working so I could tell the cab driver your address.

When I got off from the cab, I felt a sense of warmth. Finally, I was just minutes away to get to see you again. As I walked around to find my way to your place, I could almost picture you flashing your perfect smile when you open the door. And I’d make my first step into your house, which I could only see through screen this whole time. There will be nice music playing on the background, and probably my favorite wine is in the refrigerator, ready to be served. And we would kiss and hug as we say how much we missed each other.

After wandering for quite awhile, I found the right elevator. As soon as I got to your floor, I spotted your unit number. It was quite easy. I dragged my suitcase and knocked on the door softly with a smile on my face. This is it. I’m finally standing at your doorstep. Butterfly was dancing in my stomach.

Within a split second I recognized your voice screaming. I moved my head closer to the door, and heard you spelled something. Hey wait, that’s my middle name! In high pitch. Okay something is totally wrong. So I knocked again, but you still went on and on with my name. And at that point, I was practically banging on your door, hoping you could hear it in between your five octaves voice and my attempt to get your attention.

Finally the door was open. And there you were, standing with a mouth open, looking as panic as a human being could possibly look, with a phone on your ear. You then mumbled something to the phone and hung up on whoever it was. One second later, “HOLY FUCK?! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?! I SO WANNA KILL YOU RIGHT NOW!!!” You were screeching.

I stood there, baffled.

Errr. Okay, the reception wasn’t quite what I expected. Not to mention you haven’t even opened the grill door yet.

As soon as you snapped back from your trance, you opened the grill door in a rush, and hug me really tight. You were sweating, shaking, and your heart were beating so fast I could even feel it.

“What was that about? Who was that?” I asked as soon as we finished hugging.

“I was calling the hospital.”

“WHAT?!”

“Yes, and before that, I called the airport, and also the immigration. I was worried… It’s been three hours since you landed, I couldn’t reach you, I was losing it!”

And you hugged me again. Tighter this time. It made my heart melt.

Well, I wasn’t thrilled about the part where you wanted to kill me, but honestly, it was the sweetest thing a person could ever done to me. No one has ever made so much effort in calling the airport, the immigration, and the hospital just to track me down.

At that moment, I knew I’d be safe with you.

And just so you know, I love that feeling.

Tick Tock Tick Tock

Yet another restless night. Thoughts are running wild, images starting to flash. One by one they turn into frames. Frame by frame they turn into a movie. A bad movie.

I’ve always thought that one day I can slip out and fly away. But days had turned into weeks, weeks had turned into months, months had turned into years. My heart betrayed me. It refused to listen. I wish I could just rip it off my chest and throw it into the trash.

So here I am, sipping on a cup of tea at 4 AM, still waiting for my wings to grow. And I feel like giving up.

The clock is ticking. I had to quit you.

Here’s to Another Year

image source: www.teachersource.com

image source: google

I just celebrated my birthday a few days ago. In a foreign country, far away from my family, far away from my best-friends, far away from you. I thought it was going to be awful. I’ve prepared to just go to work as usual, and spend my evening in my hotel room, pretend it wasn’t my birthday at all. That it’s not a big deal. That birthday celebration is overrated.

Until one of my local friends called and asked me whether I’m free to hang out after work. Of course I said yes. Better than curl up under my blanket alone.

Apparently, she brought me to a bar in a helipad (yes, HELIPAD! how cool is that?) and threw a surprise party for me along with some of her friends. It was awesome. We then went club-hopping afterwards. The whole night was a blast.

I did think of you, though. Wishing you were there with me. But then I realized, I should probably let that feeling go. No more you on my mind, no more you in my heart. I have to let you go.

So here’s to another year of trying. Cheers.

The Furballs

Image taken from the net; my wallpaper for months.

Image taken from the net; my wallpaper for months.

I miss my cats.

Or should I say our cats? Nah, I don’t think you’d like it.

Okay, your cats then — although I don’t like it.

See, this is the thing about separation. Much as it affects people’s life, it surely also affects the pets. I remember reading something about separation anxiety for pets.

I probably would strike you as someone who doesn’t care about our cats (your cats — geez, would this get any easier?), but the truth is, I do care. I sometimes dream about them. Yes, I never call or even text you to ask how they are, because I don’t want you to misinterpret my intention. I don’t want you to see it as an act to get your attention or anything. I respect your decision, and you still remain as a very good person to me.

What I did for the past few months is to avoid watching video or even look at anything related to cats on the web. I just can’t. It hurts.

But today, it was different.

I was babysitting my 1 year-old nephew, and he has a huge interest towards animal especially cats and lizards. Okay, the latter scares the hell out of me, though. Anyway, his face always lights up when he plays with my phone and see the picture of those two cats I had as my wallpaper — yes, it’s still the same picture, I haven’t change it. So in the spirit of being a great aunty, I decided to open youtube and for the first time after moths and months restraining myself, we watched tons of cat videos.

He was laughing tremendously, I was faking it.

It still hurts.