Road to Recovery: A Week Later

Photo courtesy of Astu Prasidya

Photo courtesy of Astu Prasidya

 

After staying off of the forbidden three for a week, now my body is starting its own riot against my will to quit the prescribed medications I’ve been taking for the past 2 years as per my doctor’s recommendation. I am still on Sizoril which I take every two days, but on the days I’m not on Sizoril, severe headache and respiratory problem is something I must endure.

It’s just wow.

I mean, I thought when I can set my mind that I want to be free from those drugs, everything will be easy.

Well, It is not.

My body seems to have its own mind and I’m starting to suffer from withdrawal syndrome. Maybe this is why most people are falling into taking the medications again because they cannot function well during this period of time. I have the same problem. It is really hard to stay focus and productive at the time being.

But I refuse to relapse back into taking those medications. I’ve come this far. Those medications were taking my life away and I really don’t want to re-live that path. I am in the midst of reclaiming my life and my freedom back to where its belong.

And they belong to me.

I guess I’m gonna need a lot of perseverance, endurance, and strength. Oh, and luck as well.

A whole lotta luck.

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On the Road to a Hopeful Recovery

Photo courtesy of Astu Prasidya

Photo courtesy of Astu Prasidya

So I went to my psychiatrist today. She said it is time to reduce my intake whether I like it or not. At first I was taken aback, and shocked. She wasn’t the sweet old lady that I’ve been seeing for the past two years today. I told her — hysterically of course, that I wasn’t ready. But she was fierce. She said those medications are dangerous for long-term use. And what slapped me in the face was when she said, “you will never feel ready if you keep on taking them. You need to fight it. Have some confidence inside yourself that you can be free from those drugs. Aren’t you tired of coming back here? Don’t you want to be drug-free?”

And I was silent.

I do want to be drug-free. After two years on drugs, I can feel that my memory is somehow degrades. it was quite sharp before. Now, it takes time for me to recall the five names of my favorite game — and I’m a hardcore gamer!

So yes, I want to be drug-free. No matter how.

After some drama and negotiation, I was finally able to made my psychiatrist prescribed me the usual dosage and amount of medications (there are four types, and according to her I have to quit three of them entirely). But she told me to get ONLY five capsules each for the forbidden three — so that I don’t feel anxious about not having them, and get all for the one she recommended.

When the prescription was already in my hand and I was heading to the door, I said, “hey doc, actually I can cheat and get all of them now,” with a smirk on my face.

She calmly answered, “yes you can. But this is now a battle between you and yourself. It’s your call.”

And I went to the pharmacy, got myself FIVE capsules each for the forbidden three, and all for the recommended one.

I have to win this battle.

Here’s to the New Journey

Photo courtesy of Astu Prasidya

Photo courtesy of Astu Prasidya

 

Don’t tell me I don’t love you. I did my part, and — you said, so did you
But you never want me
Don’t tell me I don’t love you, just because I’m trying to move on
I can wait forever if you ask me to,
But you never ask.
Don’t tell me I don’t love you. I still do, but I don’t want to be stupid
Not anymore.

So I’m gonna go out there, to explore the world
I’m gonna go to the east, north, south, and west, and then going back to the east, north, south, and west,
Until I find what I deserve

And no. I’m not gonna impress anyone anymore
Including you
Sorry, I’ll rephrase that

Especially you.

I’m the World’s Greatest Fool

Photo courtesy of Astu Prasidya

Photo courtesy of Astu Prasidya

I admit I’ve done a lot of things that hurt you.

To think that you were always tried your best to make me happy and provide intangible things that money can’t buy.

I will never forget those two weeks where you have shown me how amazing you are as a person, while I was there lying helpless in bed from the strong prescribed medication, being heavily depressed and suicidal over someone else. Yes, over someone else. You could’ve just kicked me out and didn’t want to deal with me until I pull myself together again. You could’ve been super angry at me.

But you didn’t. Instead, you took care of me.

Every morning before you went to work, you’d woke up early than usual, cooked breakfast for me, woke me up, fed me, and I went back to sleep again afterwards. On your lunch-break, you’d came home, woke me up again, fed me, and went back to the office. You’ve always went straight home after work because you were afraid I might need to go to the bathroom or something. And you’d fed me again on dinner time.

You did that for TWO WEEKS STRAIGHT.

I was sort of paralyzed from the strong medication. I got fourteen days of medical certification from my doctor, bedridden, and was hardly awake. We didn’t chat, we didn’t go out, but you didn’t mind. You were patiently taking care of me. You never complaint — not even once, you never got angry at me.

And I was a total jerk. I was too blind to see that what I need was standing in front of my very eyes. Instead I was always looking for your flaws. I pushed you away, because I had someone else in my mind and heart.

Until reality slaps me in the face. But then, it was all too late. I’ve let you slipped away. And now I’m paying the price. But I guess I deserve it.

I am truly sorry for everything I’ve done. Every. Single. Thing.

Especially for being the world’s greatest fool.