Here’s to the Fighter Out There

Today has been a really sad day for a lot of people, me included. When I learnt about Robin Williams’ death on the radio on my way to the office, I was stunned. Moreover when the announcer said it was a suspected suicide – and later she added; he was struggling with depression over the years.

I got very emotional and heartbroken about this. Not only because Robin Williams is one of my favorite actors, but the cause of death is very upsetting.

I know too well about depression and what it can do to people. I had been struggling with depression for a few years. Although I am now on prescribed meds and still go regularly to my psychiatrist, it is still not easy.

Some days, I would find myself on the bathroom floors, crying for hours for no apparent reason.
Some days, I would feel normal.
Some days, I couldn’t even bring myself out of bed.

Just last year, I tried to commit suicide. Some say suicide is the most selfish act that one could do. But for those people who have never experienced depression will not understand that for us, it is almost impossible to control our mind when that demon strike us. We just want to end the suffering. We just want the voice inside our heads to stop talking. To stop mocking. To stop telling nasty thing about us. Having a depression is like being in a roller coaster ride that doesn’t stop.

While currently I could function properly — most days, my life still depends on those little pills. I don’t know for how long, but I will try not to think of it and keep going.

For those who are still fighting the same battle as I am, keep fighting. Don’t give up. Conquer the demon and get your life back.

And the most important thing is, you are not alone.

Rest in peace, Robin.


Road to Recovery: The End of Week Two

Photo courtesy of Astu Prasidya

Photo courtesy of Astu Prasidya

So, it’s been a bumpy road.

Well, no. It’s been a bumpy road and while I was at it I fell asleep and had a nightmare. Yea, that’s more like it.

My withdrawal syndrome on the first week was merely physical. However, during week two the nasty evil strike me mentally. Paranoia: check, anxiety: check, depression: check, suicidal thoughts: check, severe loneliness: check. What did I miss?

I am however, still alive. I only took one pill from ‘the forbiddens’ because I really couldn’t stand it any longer and was really on the edge of my breakdown.

Now I’m on to my week three. Things are still not getting any easier yet, but I know I’ll survive this as well.

One step at a time, that’s what I keep telling myself — and you should too if you’re fighting your life to be free from drugs (prescribed medication in my case).

One step at a time.

Road to Recovery: A Week Later

Photo courtesy of Astu Prasidya

Photo courtesy of Astu Prasidya


After staying off of the forbidden three for a week, now my body is starting its own riot against my will to quit the prescribed medications I’ve been taking for the past 2 years as per my doctor’s recommendation. I am still on Sizoril which I take every two days, but on the days I’m not on Sizoril, severe headache and respiratory problem is something I must endure.

It’s just wow.

I mean, I thought when I can set my mind that I want to be free from those drugs, everything will be easy.

Well, It is not.

My body seems to have its own mind and I’m starting to suffer from withdrawal syndrome. Maybe this is why most people are falling into taking the medications again because they cannot function well during this period of time. I have the same problem. It is really hard to stay focus and productive at the time being.

But I refuse to relapse back into taking those medications. I’ve come this far. Those medications were taking my life away and I really don’t want to re-live that path. I am in the midst of reclaiming my life and my freedom back to where its belong.

And they belong to me.

I guess I’m gonna need a lot of perseverance, endurance, and strength. Oh, and luck as well.

A whole lotta luck.